Perinatal Mental Health Resource Guide
Category: <span>Parenting</span>
The PDA Puzzle: What is Pathological Demand Avoidance and how do we manage it?
Do everyday tasks — like brushing teeth, getting dressed, or household chores — sometimes feel like major uphill battles? Sometimes it’s children pushing back against tasks and routines; other times it’s adults facing the very same challenges at work, at home, or in relationships. If this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean you or your child are “difficult” or “lazy.” Instead, PDA reflects a very real difference in how the brain processes stress, autonomy, and expectations.
Research has shown that while occasional avoidance is a normal human behavior, some individuals, both children and adults, experience extreme anxiety when faced with everyday demands. This can trigger intense resistance, withdrawal, or even intense emotional reactions. These patterns are known as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a profile of emotional and behavioral responses often seen in individuals who are neurodivergent.
PDA has become a bit of a buzzword on the internet lately. You may have heard it discussed in a Tik Tok or Instagram Reel. But what, really, is PDA? How does it develop? And how do we manage it?
Understanding PDA can help families, teachers, bosses and individuals themselves respond with greater empathy, flexibility, and effective support—so everyday life feels less like a battle and more like a team effort.
What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?
PDA is a pattern of emotional and behavioral responses, but not an actual diagnosis on its own. Although it is common to experience this pattern as part of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), not all neurodivergent individuals experience PDA, and not all individuals who experience PDA are neurodivergent. In short, PDA can be experienced as part of ASD or other neurodiverse diagnoses, but can also be a stand alone pattern.
Typically, PDA is characterized by intense avoidance of completing a task (or tasks) that we have the skills and abilities to do, because it is perceived to be a demand or even request. But we must back up and look at what happens before the intense avoidance, because important cognitive (thinking) and emotional patterns happen first.
Why does PDA develop?
Neurodivergent individuals can experience inflexible patterns of thinking and behaviors, which means they struggle to adapt to change or new information. In addition, neurodivergent individuals may have a difficult time with social communication and understanding social cues. Layer in sensory processing challenges often experienced by neurodivergent individuals, and you get the perfect recipe for overwhelm.
Difficulties with inflexible thinking, adaptation to change, challenges with social communication and sensory overload are brewing under the PDA patterns. They make it hard to understand where a demand came from, and often demands can feel like they came out of nowhere. This creates an uptick in anxiety and rigidity, that then triggers avoidance behaviors and sometimes emotional escalation.
Another common underlying factor fueling PDA is poor executive functioning. Difficulties in executive functioning typically make it harder for individuals to track schedules or structures, especially in social environments. Even seemingly small tasks or chores can feel intensely overwhelming when an individual can’t plan the steps or ‘see’ the end of the task. This overwhelm often incites feelings of anxiety and irritation, causing an individual to throw up barriers and avoid these tasks.
Recommendations for moving through PDA
A collaborative approach to problem solving, highlighting effective communication is a key part for working through PDA. Oftentimes, neurodivergent individuals, children and adults, require more direct communication about expectations, but this can have the opposite effect for those who experience PDA. Here are three tricks for figuring out the PDA puzzle.
1. Sneak in choices, not commands
Make tasks a collaboration. Instead of saying “go put your shoes on” try saying, “red or blue shoes today?” Demands tend to make an individual with PDA shut down the task immediately, but by framing it as a choice, we feel less pressure.
2. Bend don’t break
Not every hill is the hill to die on. Pick your battles carefully. More flexibility on your end, will lead to less anxiety and resistance to fuel PDA. This also means when supporting a loved one, a child or partner with PDA, regulating your own emotional reaction to their PDA patterns is key.
3. Connection first
Focus on being a team first. Individuals who exhibit PDA patterns also often have areas of intense interest. Join in their world and understand their motivations by incorporating their special interests into tasks. This will increase their internal motivation to complete the task and they will feel more validated and understood. If an individual who experiences PDA is comfortable, they are more likely to meet you half-way.
Conclusion
PDA can make getting daily tasks done feel like climbing a mountain. But you are not alone in this feeling, and you do not have to face this challenge alone. Treatment for PDA behaviors focuses on addressing thought patterns, increasing flexible thinking, and building adaptive skills. We can help you put together an individualized treatment plan to address these challenges. Call our office at 248-220-3332 or make an appointment today with the link below.
From Chaos to Calm: Back-to-School Transitions That Work
One of the best ways to support your family’s mental wellness in the back to school chaos is to use evidence-based strategies to manage the transition. These strategies can help lower stress and support a calmer entry into the school year for kids and parents!
Reviewing Last Year’s School Routine: Keep What Works, Change What Doesn’t
Why planning ahead makes school mornings more calm and less stressful.
It’s useful to start with a review of the previous year’s routine–what worked last year and what didn’t? Was the morning routine a hot mess? Was the carpooling schedule too complicated? Do you need to adjust your children’ wake up time? There’s no need to reinvent the wheel if things are working well, but if there is room for improvement, the weeks leading up to school’s start can be a good time to test out some new possibilities.
Practicing New School Routines to Reduce First-Day Anxiety
From visiting the playground to testing new routes—ease the transition before it starts.
If there is a change to your routine – a new school, a new start time, etc.– practicing the new changes can help reduce anxiety a great deal. If your children are starting at a new school, take a few trips to the school’s playground or sports fields. Join a local parent group or school PTO group online and invite some new potential friends to meet at the playground before school starts to help encourage new friendships and have a few friendly faces at school the first day. If your child will be walking to school on their own or with friends, take a few practice trips to review the route and give reminders about safety concerns. Practice might not make perfect, but practice does make us calm.
Organizing School Supplies and Daily Essentials for a Stress-Free Morning
Routines are easier to execute when everything has its place
Another helpful tip for preparing to return to school is assigning a place for frequently used items such as backpacks, laptops or tablets, lunch boxes/snack bags, water bottles, etc. Whether you use hooks, baskets, closets, or drawers, ensuring that everything has a place, and establishing a regular routine to put everything in its place can help cut down on the morning chaos. It’s common for kids to get distracted when they have to hunt down a missing or forgotten item, especially if they have to go to another floor of the home to look for it. One of my favorite tips is to keep a basket of socks in the same place where you keep your shoes. Another is to keep a set of toothbrushes and toothpaste in a first floor bathroom to minimize return trips upstairs.
Delegating School Prep Tasks to Boost Kids’ Independence
Developmentally appropriate responsibilities that build confidence and lighten your load.
Delegating school-related tasks is also a helpful way to share responsibilities and reduce stress. Help your kids take ownership of the developmentally appropriate tasks such as picking out clothes the night before, getting themselves dressed, packing lunches and/or snacks, making sure devices are charged, or even preparing simple breakfasts in the morning. Use the weeks leading up to school to practice these tasks by demonstrating, helping, and supervising your children when they take over the task. Not only will this build your child’s sense of self-efficancy and confidence, but it can take a few things off your plate too. Working together as a family to figure out what you can prepare ahead of time helps create calmer, less rushed school mornings.
Sleep Schedule Reset: Getting Kids Ready for School Mornings
Gradual bedtime adjustments based on pediatric sleep recommendations.
Finally, if your family’s sleep routine has changed over the summer, make sure to start making small adjustments over the course of several days (or a week if possible) to get back to the bedtime and wake up time that will ensure your child gets enough sleep to feel rested and refreshed to start the school day. You can start by moving bedtime back by 15 minutes each night. Likewise, if your child needs to be woken up for school, start setting the alarm or other wake up routines in 15 minute increments to get to the necessary time. As a reminder, The American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommend the following sleep guidelines:
- Preschoolers (3-5 years): 10-13 hours per 24-hour period, including naps.
- School-aged children (6-12 years): 9-12 hours per 24-hour period.
- Teenagers (13-18 years): 8-10 hours per 24 hour period.
Conclusion
If you need help establishing routines, figuring out developmentally appropriate responsibilities, and increasing family cohesiveness, the professionals at Monarch are here to help! Parent coaching is available separately or as part of your child’s individualized treatment plan. Call or make an appointment through this link today! https://www.mbh-mi.com/make-an-appointment/
Summer Series 5: Emotions Are Your Brain’s GPS: Helping Neurodivergent Kids Navigate Big Feelings
Emotions First, Regulation Later: Understanding Neurodivergent Emotional Processing
Our brains are wired for emotion before anything else. Long before we can talk, plan, or problem-solve, our emotional processing systems are fully online. For neurodivergent individuals—including those with ADHD, Autism, learning disabilities, or executive functioning challenges—emotions often feel bigger, faster, and harder to manage.
Ever notice your child goes from zero to sixty emotionally in seconds? That’s not misbehavior—it’s biology.
Emotions are your body’s built-in GPS. When we learn to tune in, name them, and understand what they’re pointing us toward, we can transform big feelings into powerful guides.
This Skill Set Targets:
- Intense emotions and emotional dysregulation
- Impulsivity and difficulty with self-control
- Social skills and perspective-taking
- Problem-solving and conflict resolution
“Name It to Tame It”: The First Step to Regulation
Did you know that humans all over the world share six core emotions? These emotions are universal and hardwired:
- Happy
- Sad
- Angry
- Fear
- Surprise/Shock
- Disgust
When children use clear, basic emotion words instead of vague ones like “upset” or “mad,” it gives their brain a better roadmap for what to do next. Start practicing emotional literacy by naming the emotion out loud, then ask:
“How big is that feeling right now? Let’s rate it from 0 to 10.”
You can also model by labeling emotions in yourself as well as fictional characters::
- Yourself: “I feel sad right now. I think I need a break.”
- Your child: “It seems like you’re feeling angry—maybe a 7?”
- Fictional characters: “What do you think she felt in that moment?”
Boosting Inner Self-Talk for Better Reflection
Many children with ADHD and similar profiles experience a delay in developing self talk — the voice in your head that helps you reflect, reason, and pause before acting. That’s why increasing external self-talk can help regulate emotions and reduce impulsivity.
After labeling an emotion, try asking open-ended reflection questions:
- “What do you think made her/them/you feel that way?”
- “What do you think they/you want to do now?”
- “Is that something that will help or hurt?”
This kind of dialogue builds emotional insight, problem solving and executive functioning skills over time.
Link Emotions to Motivation: What Is This Feeling Telling Me?
Each emotion gives us a biological message about what we need or what action we should take:
| Emotion | Message |
| Sadness | You may need comfort, closeness, or a break |
| Anger | Something feels unfair or threatening—defend or set a boundary |
| Fear | You feel unsafe—gather more info, seek safety or support |
| Surprise/Shock | Pause and assess—something unexpected happened |
| Disgust | Avoid or move away from something potentially harmful |
| Happiness | Move toward connection, play, or enjoyment |
Try asking:
- “What do you think your sadness is telling you you need?”
- “What might that character do next, based on the emotion they were feeling?”
This step helps children translate emotion into action, increasing both motivation and emotional intelligence.
Final Thoughts: Emotions Aren’t the Problem—They’re the Map!
At our practice, we help neurodivergent kids, teens, and adults understand that emotions aren’t bad—they’re information. With the right tools and support, these emotions become stepping stones toward self-awareness, resilience, and connection.
If your child struggles with impulsivity, meltdowns, or social misunderstandings, you’re not alone. These strategies are a starting point—but sometimes individualized support makes all the difference.
Reach out for personalized emotional regulation coaching or support—we’re here to help your child thrive. Call 248-220-3332 or follow the link to make an appointment https://www.mbh-mi.com/make-an-appointment/
Summer Skills Series #4: Physical Regulation for Neurodivergent Bodies & Minds: Tools to Slow, Go, and Grow
Body Awareness Builds Brainpower: How Physical Regulation Unlocks Confidence and Calm
For many neurodivergent individuals—including those with ADHD, Autism, learning differences, or executive functioning challenges—the body doesn’t always match the moment. Sometimes, the energy feels like a rocket launch. Other times, it’s more like swimming through molasses. This tug-of-war between hyperactivity and under-activity can make everyday tasks—starting homework, daily routines, following directions, shifting between activities, or staying seated—feel monumental.
But here’s the powerful truth: with awareness and practice, we can teach our bodies when to slow down, when to go, and most importantly, how to respond with self-compassion.
Understanding Physical Dysregulation
Physical regulation refers to how we manage our body’s energy and movement in daily life. Neurodivergent kids, teens, and even adults often experience:
- Hyperactivity: A revved-up, go-go-go feeling that can be hard to channel.
- Underactivity: Feeling “stuck,” sluggish, or disconnected from physical energy.
- Coordination and sensory challenges: Difficulty processing sensory input or coordinating movement smoothly.
These challenges become especially apparent during stress, social overwhelm, or academic strain—when other lagging skills like emotional regulation or communication come into play. That’s why learning to regulate physically can be a game-changer: it creates a stable platform from which all other skills can grow.
Let’s dive into three playful, effective strategies for supporting physical regulation in neurodivergent individuals.
1. Increase Awareness Without Judgment
Start by naming the experience in a neutral, observational way. This builds self-awareness without triggering shame or frustration.
Try reflective phrases like:
- “Wow, I can see your body really wants to move right now.”
- “Looks like your brain is having a tough time telling your body to get a move on.”
These statements validate the experience and introduce a sense of curiosity and control. Over time, they help kids and teens recognize their own internal cues.
2. Wonder Like a Scientist
When we respond to dysregulation with curiosity instead of correction, we create a sense of safety. Use open-ended questions to guide children and teens to connect with their needs.
Ask:
- “I wonder what your body is trying to tell you?”
- “What do you think might help you feel more ready to start?”
Approaching physical dysregulation as a clue, not a flaw, shifts the dynamic. Kids learn to become self-scientists—spotting patterns, exploring solutions, and advocating for themselves.
3. Cue and Practice Regulation Strategies
Physical regulation tools work best when they’re simple, fun, and consistently practiced. Here are some body-based strategies to try together:
- Co-regulation: Move together! Go for a walk, do stretches, or dance. Your energy, presence and example helps them reset.
- Movement breaks: Integrate silly, energizing breaks throughout the day—animal walks, jumping jacks, or “shake it out” songs.
- Activate sensory cues: Use strong scents (peppermint or citrus), a light bop to the shoulder, or a spicy snack to stimulate alertness.
- Calm cocooning: Support down-regulation with low sensory input—noise-canceling headphones, a soft blanket, or dim lighting can create a peaceful sensory retreat.
The key is consistency and flexibility—not every strategy works every time, and that’s okay. Keep exploring, and let your child lead the way.
Final Thoughts: Confidence Comes from Connection
Building physical regulation skills is about more than managing energy—it’s about helping neurodivergent individuals feel seen, supported, and capable. With empathy, curiosity, and a toolkit of strategies, we empower them to meet life’s challenges with confidence and calm.
Whether your child is bouncing off the walls or stuck in slow motion, remember: the goal isn’t “perfect behavior.” The goal is connection, self-understanding, and growth.
Summer Skills Series 3: Why Boredom Is a Brain Booster – Helping Kids Embrace the Pause
Boredom Isn’t the Enemy—It’s a Superpower in Disguise
In a world filled with screens, swipes, and instant dopamine hits, boredom can feel like a bad word—especially to kids. But what if we told you that boredom isn’t something to fix… it’s something to foster?
Boredom is a break for the brain. It allows for:
- Mental rest
- Imaginative play
- Creative thinking and building cognitive connections
- Problem-solving
- Emotional regulation
Helping kids build a tolerance for boredom doesn’t just reduce screen meltdowns—it helps their brains develop in deep, meaningful ways.
Tolerating boredom targets important areas of self regulation and executive functioning:
- Break the dopamine dump & deprivation cycle
- Increase attention regulation
- Reduce tech tantrums
- Increase frustration tolerance and sustained focus
How to Build a Boredom-Positive Mindset (Without the Eye Rolls)
1. Start with the Right Mindset: Boredom = Brain Power
First things first: Let’s reframe boredom not as a problem, but a gift.
When kids say, “I’m bored,” they’re often in a transitional space—between structured stimulation and the freedom to explore their own creativity and intelligence. We begin to feel uncomfortable and seek input, activity or experiences. If we harness this initial discomfort and label it as a cue or an opportunity, the brain lights up with possibility.
Try a family mantra to shift the vibe. Make it validating, not dismissive.
- “Boredom is your brain getting ready to create!”
- “The cure to boredom is curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker
- “Boredom means your imagination is about to wake up.”
Make it a poster. Put it on the fridge. Say it together. Make boredom an opportunity.
2. Create a Go-To Boredom Buster Bank
Don’t scramble for ideas when the “I’m bored” chant begins—plan ahead!
Build a boredom buster system:
- A summer bucket list everyone contributes to
- A popsicle stick jar with fun, screen-free activity ideas
- A visual board of ideas grouped by type (indoors, outdoors, creative, physical)
Examples might include:
- Make up a new board game, build an epic blanket fort, DIY obstacle course, nature scavenger hunt, start a kid-friendly podcast
3. Introduce New Challenge Tasks
When boredom hits, it’s our brain telling us it’s time to grow! It’s the perfect time to do something new or challenging.
Try these:
- Learn a new skill (juggling, typing, origami)
- Start a puzzle or brain teaser
- Build something from scratch (LEGOs, wood, recycled materials)
- Invent a new recipe or snack combo, start a personalized cookbook
- Design a toy or invention—draw it out, prototype it with paper or blocks
- Make up a new handshake
- Learn to speak a few phrases in another language
The goal? Push beyond “easy fun” into “creative challenge.”
4. Watch for Time Vortex Traps
Some activities suck time and drain dopamine—leaving kids and adults crankier than before. Time vortexes might feel good at first, but typically impact mood negatively and decrease tolerance for boredom in the long run.
⚠️ Keep an eye on:
- Endless scrolling
- Passive video-watching
- “Just one more” gaming loops
These activities can hijack attention and tank frustration tolerance. Balance them with intentional downtime and active engagement.
5. Schedule ‘Mind Expansion Time’
Yes, you can schedule boredom—and call it something cooler.
Set aside 30–60 minutes a day for summer bucket list items, challenge tasks, or:
- Open-ended play
- Quiet thinking or prompted journaling
- Reading something weird and wonderful
- Tinkering, creating, or exploring
Call it “Imagination Hour” or “Brain Recharge Time.” Make it part of your daily rhythm—just like meals or bedtime.
6. Break out! Do Something You Don’t Usually Do
Break the routine to spark curiosity.
Ask your child:
️ “What’s something we always say we should do more often?”
Maybe it’s:
- Trying a new recipe
- Visiting a local museum
- Making cards for a neighbor
- Going for a nature walk with a field journal
Make a “We Should Do That More Often” list—and pick one thing when boredom strikes.
Final Thoughts: Boredom Builds Brilliance
Boredom is more than a moment of “nothing to do.” It’s a launchpad for resilience, self-regulation, and imaginative growth.
With the right mindset and a few simple strategies, you can turn tech tantrums into moments of discovery—and help your child build lifelong mental wellness tools along the way.
So next time you hear “I’m bored,” smile and say,
“Awesome. My brain’s about to do something amazing.”
Summer Skills Series #2: Beating the Time Warp – A Fun Guide to Mastering Time Awareness
⏰ “Wait…That Took HOW Long?!” — Understanding Time Blindness
Ever asked your child to clean their room, only to find them still deciding where to start 30 minutes later? Or maybe they swear their homework took “two hours!,” when the task really only took about 5 minutes?
That’s time blindness—the brain’s subjective sense of how time is passing. And for people with executive functioning challenges, fun tasks move like lightening while less fun tasks move like molasses. Sure, this is true for everyone to some degree, but it is amplified in individuals with executive functioning challenges or ADHD.
Time blindness is a real executive functioning challenge that affects:
- Time awareness
- Task initiation
- Sustaining effort
- Frustration tolerance
When kids’ perception of time is not very accurate, their anticipatory anxiety over less fun tasks (like chores or homework) increases, they struggle to start tasks, stay on track, or feel successful. But the great news? Time awareness is a skill—and we can teach it through fun, low-pressure Time Estimation Trials.
What Are Time Estimation Trials?
Time estimation trials help you or your child practice predicting how long tasks will take—then compare that prediction to reality. This not only strengthens their sense of time but also builds metacognition (a.k.a. thinking about their thinking).
The result? Better planning, smoother transitions, and less stress around task completion.
Step-by-Step: How to Battle Time Blindness with Estimation Trials
Here’s how to make time awareness click in a way that’s fun and empowering:
1. Pick a Task
Start simple. Choose everyday tasks that your child already does. This should be a relatively neutral task – not one they hate, but not their most loved activity either:
- Brushing teeth
- Packing a school bag
- Doing one page of homework
- Putting toys away
Keep it bite-sized to avoid overwhelm.
2. Estimate the Time (and Write It Down!)
Ask your child:
️ “How long do you think this will take?”
Have them write down their guess—even if it seems way off. This helps build self-awareness and gives you both a reference point.
3. Start the Timer and Complete the Task
Use a visual timer, stopwatch, or even a phone timer with a fun sound. Let them press start—kids love the control and it makes the process feel official!
4. Record the Actual Time
When the task is done, stop the timer. Write down how long it actually took. No pressure—just facts.
5. Reflect Together
Ask:
- “Was it longer or shorter than you thought?”
- “Wow, how did that 5 minutes feel?
- “What made it faster?” (e.g. focus, help, fewer distractions)
- “What made it slower?” (e.g. getting distracted, needing help)
Help them connect the dots. This builds emotional regulation and frustration tolerance.
Pro Tip: Keep a “Time Estimation Log” to track progress over time. Watch their awareness grow!
Why It Works
Time estimation isn’t just a trick for better task management—it supports the brain to:
- Recognize the passage of time
- Anticipate effort and energy needed
- Feel more in control (hello, task initiation and frustration tolerance!)
- Build confidence and reduce meltdowns (Yay resilience!)
When kids start predicting their time more accurately, it boosts their independence—and self-esteem.
Real-Life Example:
Task: Unloading the dishwasher
Estimated Time: 5 minutes
Actual Time: 9 minutes
Reflection: “I forgot to count putting the silverware away. Next time I’ll include that!”
See? No scolding. Just learning and growing.
Final Thoughts: Time Tracking Is a Skill—Let’s Teach It That Way
Time isn’t invisible to all kids—it just feels that way for many with executive functioning challenges. But with a little structure, curiosity, and encouragement, we can help them build their inner clock.
So, next time your child gets lost in the “time warp,” try a Time Estimation Trial. It’s simple. It’s supportive. And it works.
⏳✨ Time awareness doesn’t naturally develop for everyone — it’s built through experience and reflection!
Summer Skills Series 1: Build Better Routines, Build Better Minds
We were thrilled by the amazing response to our recent workshop, “Living Your Best ADHD Summer: 5 Easy Breezy Skills.” Many of you reached out, eager for more—and we listened! We’re excited to announce the launch of our brand-new summer blog series, where every other week we’ll spotlight a fresh, practical skill designed to help you boost your or your child’s executive functioning all season long. Whether you joined the workshop or are just tuning in now, get ready for simple strategies, helpful tips, and a summer full of growth. Stay tuned—your best ADHD summer is just getting started!
Let’s Talk Routines: The Secret Sauce to Stronger Minds
If you’ve ever struggled to get your child to brush their teeth without a 20-minute negotiation, you’re not alone. But here’s some good news: building purposeful routines isn’t just about smoother mornings—it’s about helping your child develop essential executive functioning skills like planning, attention, and memory. Yep, routines can actually support brain development!
Executive functioning skills are the brain’s management system. When your child builds a routine, they’re working on things like:
- Planning and organization
- Working memory
- Sustained attention
- Task completion
- Consistency and follow-through
And the best part? You can make this process fun, visual, and even LEGO-based!
Step-by-Step: How to Build a Brain-Boosting Routine
Step 1: Collaborate, Don’t Dictate
Kids thrive when they have a say in their day. So before laying down the law, team up. Ask questions like:
️ “What’s something that feels tricky in the morning?”
“Want to help make a plan that works better for both of us?”
This collaborative approach builds buy-in, reduces resistance, and sets the stage for success.
Step 2: One Routine at a Time
Instead of overhauling your entire day, focus on ONE routine.
Start small:
- Getting dressed in the morning
- Cleaning up toys
- Packing a sports bag the night before
Choose just one. Master it. Then move to the next.
The pattern of routine building will transfer to new tasks, but it’s best to build the skill on just ONE routine.
Step 3: Break It Down—And Make It Visual
Executive functioning is easier to develop with clarity. Many tasks ADHDers struggle with might seem simple, but when we really break them down into concrete steps, we realize there’s a lot to remember and so many ways to get off track!
Break each routine into small, doable steps. Make them concrete.
For example, the “Get Dressed” routine could look like:
- Pick out clothes
- Put on underwear and socks
- Shirt on
- Pants on
- Comb hair
Pair each step with a picture, drawing, or even photos of your child doing each task. Visual supports make abstract tasks feel real and achievable.
Step 4: Model It Together (and Celebrate the Effort!)
Do the routine with your child at first. Narrate what you’re doing and highlight their engagement:
- “Wow, you really stayed focused!”
- “I love how you remembered the socks today!”
Praise effort, not outcome. A missed step isn’t a failure—it’s an opportunity to notice attention, persistence, and growth.
Step 5: Cue and Celebrate Independence
As your child gains confidence and consistency in completing the routine,, start cueing the steps instead of doing them together:
- “What’s the first thing you do after picking clothes?”
- “What’s next on your routine chart?”
When they complete a step independently, celebrate!
A high five, a hug, or a shout-out at dinner can go a long way.
Step 6: Support Smarter with Scaffolding
Some kids need a little more support—and that’s perfectly okay. Tailor the tools to their strengths:
- Visual learners? Use colorful picture schedules or drawings they help create.
- Auditory learners? Set reminders on Alexa or record fun sound cues.
- Hands-on learners? Use toys to represent each step—like LEGO stations that guide the way through a bedtime routine.
The key is to make the structure supportive, not stressful.
Final Thoughts: Routines Are Brain Workouts in Disguise
By building purposeful routines, you’re doing more than creating structure—you’re helping your child grow their mental muscles. Executive functioning doesn’t come naturally to every brain, but with support, modeling, and encouragement, it can be developed over time.
So whether you’re tackling the morning madness or bedtime battles, remember: it’s not about perfection—it’s about progress, praise, and connection.
Forging Your New Family Portrait: How to Shield Kids’ Mental Health During Divorce
The choice to separate or divorce from a partner is complex and incredibly difficult. However, separation or divorce can be the best decision for everyone involved, including the children. Research has shown that children who are exposed to open, unresolved conflict between their parents regularly are more stressed than children from divorced families. Divorce can provide a model of adult behavior and relationships that emphasizes working out problems with compassion, wisdom, and appropriate action. Among the many decisions on reorganizing your lives, are choices about parenting. When divorce is the best option, there are specific ways parents can make the transition smoother and support their children’s mental health.
Forge a new picture of family
Divorce can be an opportunity to consciously shape your family bonds in a way that feels positive and powerful. Spending a little time reflecting on what was and was not working in your former family configuration will go a long way in forging this path forward. How do you want your new family to relate to each other? What are each family member’s roles and how do they express these in the family system? What aspects of family are most important to you – time spent together, emotional support, humor, respect, independence? In what ways will you be sure these aspects flourish in your family moving forward?
Stick to the routine as best as possible
Divorce or separation usually causes major disruptions to routines and schedules. Consciously striking a balance between honoring old routines and establishing new ones can help ease the transitions and provide a sense of stability. Maintain routine activities like eating dinner together, going on walks, bedtime routines or having weekend movie nights. Make a list of these routines and highlight the ones you are purposely going to stick to in this transition. This helps your family stay connected as well as help maintain typical expectations for behavior. For instance, maintaining your typical chore or homework schedule can help your child meet their responsibilities at home and at school, which in turn helps them feel stable and confident. You can give a little more grace and patience, but if routines and schedules change drastically, it can be very confusing and make your children feel more out of control.
It’s important to spend time together as a family. This can be with or without the other parent, whichever works best for you and the new relationship you are creating with your former partner. Quality time is a great tool for helping kids feel safe, loved, secure in their relationship with you, and can help to establish a new sense of normal.
Make sure they have a space that feels like their own
Children can be very concrete, which means they associate complex ideas or relationships with more simple or physical things or spaces. Their understanding of family relationships, stability and safety may be associated or linked with a physical location, like the former family home. Moving to a new home or visiting a parent in their new residence may have a larger, destabilizing emotional impact than expected, bringing sadness, anxiety or negative behaviors to the surface. You can increase your child’s sense of control and ‘ownership’ over this new space by letting them arrange furniture, pick out small items to decorate, and shift some belongings from their previous home into the new space.
Limit conflict in front of the children
Keeping the lines of communication open between you and your ex-partner regarding the children is very important. Research has consistently shown children cope best when they are not exposed to adults’ ongoing conflicts. If there is high conflict between you and your ex, keep any conversations to basics like pickup and drop off times, doctor’s appointments, important school dates, or necessary information about your children.
Communication should be between the adults. Do not use your children to send messages back and forth between your ex-partner. Possible ways to exchange information include email, a book that goes back and forth with the children or one of the many co-parenting apps that are available. They can help maintain privacy by allowing you to remain in contact with your ex-partner without giving out phone numbers or email addresses, keep track of important dates in the schedule, share key information about the child(ren), and transfer money. Some are free and some charge a fee. In Oakland County, Family Wizard is often the recommended tool for communication between co-parents.
Use neutral language to describe your ex
This can be one of the most challenging aspects of managing child-parent relationships during and after divorce. The pull to express to your child why and how you, or your child, were wronged can be intense. You may want to describe their other parent’s shortcomings, hurtful behaviors, or negative choices as a way to cope with your own feelings about the situation, or validate the child’s. And while helping to validate a child’s hurt feelings is important, ongoing or regular disparaging comments about the other parent can be very harmful to a child. This is because when we are little, we form our identities and stable sense of self by associating with our caregivers and loved ones.
When you speak badly about your ex, your child folds these words into their understanding of themselves, and this hurts your child, as well as your relationship with your child. Eventually the child’s identity becomes more independent and isn’t so entwined with their parents’. As your child grows and matures, they will be increasingly aware of relationship dynamics and come to their own understanding of their parents’ behaviors. Providing them the room to develop their identity and stable sense of self without disparaging their other parent sets them up for resilience.
Connected Kids are Healthy Kids
Unless safety is a concern, children benefit from strong relationships with both parents. It’s in the best interest of your child to support the other parent’s connection in their life as best as you can. Of course it’s hard to do at times, but try to keep your anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, or hatred from impacting your child’s relationship with your ex. In the aftermath of divorce or separation many people need help sorting through and coping with their strong emotions, and this is totally normal! Reach out to friends or family to help you process the negative emotions and frustrations, or reach out to us for support.
Conclusion
When divorce is the best option for the family, it can be hard to forge your new family portrait. While this process is difficult, with time and support, families can find ways to grow stronger together, open the door to new beginnings, and create healthier family dynamics overall.
Mental Health Influencers: Understanding & Managing the Impact of Social Media & Gaming on Youth Development
Do you have a tech zombie at your house? Do you walk into a room only to find a loved one bathed in the blue light of a screen, with glazed over eyes and a blank expression? Or maybe you have a tech gremlin. They appear calm and relaxed on screens but then become irritable or even intensely angry when it’s time to get off screens? Or perhaps you have a Youtube-ing, tech-toc-teen who appears to partake in social media light-heartedly but shows concerning signs of being influenced in negative ways. Chances are, your child is engaging in gaming or social media use, and you are wondering how this is influencing their mental health?
Screens & Executive Functioning
You’re not crazy… increased time on screens is associated with worse executive functioning. Executive functioning describes the brain processes that help guide goal driven behavior and self-regulation. So if your child seems to have more difficulty completing less-fun tasks such as picking up after themselves, getting ready to leave the house, or even homework, it might be because screen use has gotten out of balance. You might be yelling ‘OMG just get it done!’ in your household lately, you might want to re-examine the amount of tech use and its timing in your household. This balance is especially hard to attain when kids are on screens all day at school.
Rewards to Real Life
Most apps, games and social media are designed to manipulate the reward centers of our brain. When we get something we want, achieve a goal, or experience pleasure, positive neuro-chemicals and activity lights up our brain’s reward center. You can even see it on brain scans! When using apps, games and social media we get lots of little and big reward ‘pings’ in our brain without actually having to exert much effort. So when we re-enter the real world and need to do tasks that require sustained effort and result in more subtle or even long-term rewards, we may react with irritation, frustration, and even feelings of helplessness. Some kids and teens will even react with intense anger when it’s time to put down screens and re-enter the real world.
Identity Building from Social Media
Identity building in the era of apps, gaming and social media is tricky! Content is pushed via algorithms and is based not only on our patterns of viewing and consumption, but also our identifying factors such as age and gender. Our feeds tend to be narrowly based and can become dangerous echo chambers, leading to reduced exposure to people, ideas and information. Research clearly tells us that this information greatly impacts our thinking patterns, such as what we think of ourselves and others.
The Social Media Sads
Social Media has a complex relationship with mental health. It can provide a sense of connection and positive inclusion in groups, but it can also fuel fear of missing out, ‘should’ thinking, and intensely unrealistic expectations for everything from looks to socializing and material belongings.
I Am The Influencer Now
We know social media and gaming will continue to have a huge influence on our thinking, behavioral, emotional and social patterns. But if we are aware of these impacts, we can be conscious of having our own positive influence over learning to regulate screen use in our own family and household.
Here are some tips to consciously engage in screen time and social media use in your household:
- Model good tech use boundaries: Establish tech free zone in the house (e.g., dinner table? Bathroom? Bedrooms?), and tech check-in times (bed time? Study time?)
- Establishing the timing of when tech is allowed in your household is paramount to kids developing self-regulation skills around tech use. Fostering the mindset that necessary tasks get done before tech time helps hone expectations and self-regulation.
- Step away from screens. Establish a norm of setting phones/iPads down and turning screens off when engaging in work, chores, eating, etc. Create physical distance between screens and other essential activities.
- Build Self-worth and Identity through real-world competencies: Learning tik-tok dances is fun and makes us feel cool with our friends, but witnessing real-world impact increases positive self-worth and identity much, much more
- Shared Values: Take time to sit with your child and teen and consume social media or games together. Your input and perspective does influence their inner narrative
If you feel your child or teen is demonstrating concerning signs of too much screen use or social media consumption, contact us and speak with one of our specialists.
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